Things I Learned: 60 days, M Free

Its been about 60 days since I broke up with M but it seems like eons ago. Something about this break-up is different, somehow I’ve learned a lot about myself in the days and weeks following it. I don’t think this has ever happened before, where I’m not really thinking about the guy or the relationship but I am thinking a lot about me, who I am and what I want. This is not to say that I don’t think about the bad times and the mind games that he played and the solid, utter state of confusion I lived in while he was in my life and I still occasionally wake up unbelievably pissed off, like I dreamt about him all night but I’ll take these pissy mornings, that are few and far between, with a grain of salt because what I’ve gained from letting him go is immeasurably greater than I could have ever imagined.

Here’s what I’ve learned post-M so far:

I have to truly like myself as a person before I can love myself as a person. I have to truly truly love myself as a person before I can love someone else. Right now, at this very moment I am in between that magical place of like and love, with myself and it is w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l. Right now, loving someone else seems distant and scary and I don’t want to do it.

Math and free weights are really not as hard as I made them out to be, neither are cash flow statements.

I don’t need a ‘last call’ of the night to fall asleep, Letterman in the background is enough.

Friends are usually all you need.

I really need to let myself heal from all of the past relationship hurts I avoided before. And it may take time. And that’s okay.

Sometimes I think I’m broken, but I’m not…for the most part.

Ex-boyfriends are “ex” for a reason, leave them that way.

I AM my own person. Sure, I’m hella quirky but I fall in love with my own quirks a little more each day, narcissistic as that may sound.

I AM fucking narcissistic, what of it?

Never put anyone on a pedestal so high that when the pedestal breaks, they come crashing down with a thud and break into a million pieces at your feet.

I am not what I’ve been trying to be for a long time. I’m not traditional the way my mother wants me to be. I’ve been denying parts of me to please her and others dear to me. Right now, I’m learning to embrace the real me and live me out loud, regardless of what I think others will think of it. If they are genuine and meant to be in my life, they will accept it.

I’m tired of round-hole-square-peg-syndrome.

I’m a good flirt just for flirting’s sake…and there IS a such thing as innocent flirting.

I can and have stopped measuring myself by my relationship status.

There is a huge difference in self-awareness between my early twenties and almost-thirty self. HUGE. Back then I thought I knew it all, now I know that I don’t know anything at all.

There are (many) other things in life as or more fulfilling than a relationship.

I don’t really want to try anymore, just live.

I’m happy that M came and went from my life. His leaving (or my kicking him out, since I am narcissistic) had its purpose and I’m lucky to be able to see it clearly so soon after the fact.

Thats pretty much it for now, not bad for 60 days worth of introspection. Would I take him back now? Still negative.